” Your heart will always follow its love, the question is, will you follow your heart?”
The past still had a hold on both of them, even if without knowing they were discovering each other and falling for one another, their history was keeping them hostage.
John couldn’t sleep all night…he went for a long drive after taking Amanda home, his mind was so preoccupied with everything that’s happened, that in the morning, he was still hypnotised, facing the wall looking into nothing.
He followed his every morning routine more like a robot than a person with a heart beat, arrived to the office too early and forget his coffee on the way.
He was happy, confused, anxious…wanting to call her every two seconds than changing his mind right after.
He was daydreaming about her, he remembered the first time he ever kissed her…it was the summer of 2005 and they were camping with some other friends. He remembered every little detail, how the sky looked like, how warm the sun was, what song was playing on the radio, what colour dress she was wearing…how her lips tasted and how fast his heart was beating. How could he forget all this and live his life for eight long years without her, what was he thinking?
She meant so much to him and he never looked back, once he left London…for a second he was surprised she was still speaking to him or be able to look at him, after all that’s happened between them.
Thursday morning was a little bit different for Amanda, she woke up early, feeling light as a feather, had breakfast which was very unusual, watched the news on the TV and would have done any other number of things she never did before, rather than going to work and see him.
She was very aware that a conversation is now long overdue and could not be avoided…did not really know how she felt, what she will say to him and even worse, how does he feel about everything.
For over half an hour she was debating to call in sick and be really obvious, show up and pretend everything was all right or have a real mature discussion about what’s really happening between them?
Most of the time we know what we should do right from the beginning but we are still resilient and pretend that there are other ways…we close our eyes to the reality of things and build our own little bubble, where any possible outcome for our actions is controlled. We hide for as long as we can until that bubble becomes to small for all our issues and it throws us back into the real cruel world.
Amanda decided to call John’s office and say that she will be very busy with her weekly column and might have a little bit of time in the afternoon ,’when she will be less stressed about the situation’, to come in and gather some more information for the article, not that she needed anymore…but she was lying to herself for a while now; she had feelings for him, feelings that scared her so much that abandoning the one opportunity they had to be together was a better option then to give her heart away and risk it all for a possible chance to happiness.
Her day flew by in minutes, at least that was the impression; she couldn’t concentrate on her tasks but then she learned how to work without thinking a long time ago…she remembered her days when, after terrible fights with her ex-husband she had to go to the office, work on her column like nothing happened; somehow she learned to push her emotions away and she became colder and more controlled …and today was probably the only time she felt glad she could be this way.
She didn’t leave the house all day but managed to finish the article…when she finished writing the last sentence, she started crying and couldn’t stop.